Big dreams & little buckets

Tina here.

You know, the problem I am realizing more and more as I get older each year is that I am a dreamer. I can come up with ideas and plans that are so fantastic and beautiful sounding. I can even come up with what needs to be done to make it happen. However, I am horrible at pushing forward with anything.

I wanna live in Japan. That had been a dream of mine since I was 12. I went to Japan for 3 months on the good graces and EXTREAM amounts of patience of my Uncle and his newly married wife, my sweet Aunt. I was 17 and earned the money to pay for the ticket all on my own. However, my money was already earned and burning a hole in my pocket. I fully aware that I would have spent the money on random nicknacks or books if it wasn’t about Japan.

I wanna be a Teacher. I was inspired by some of my Jr. High and High school teachers. History mostly. I wanted to teach. I loved working with other people and I loved helping my friends and peers. Hell, I was a peer to peer counselor! However, in my all knowing wisdom of so close to 18 I can taste it, I got pregnant. That in and of itself didn’t disqualify me from going to school and making my dreams come true, but overloading myself, not asking for help when I should have, and not seeing a problem for what he was doing. I have tried to go to school since but a large part of those attempts has been extremely difficult and with an onset of untreated PTSD, I developed extream anxiety and depression when it came to dealing with new people. Maybe if someone like my husband could go with me I could push along, but the problem with that is that one of us has to work. I want my husband to have the chance to go to school if that is what he wants. Hell, I am more than willing to do whatever I need to for him to follow his own dreams. However, one of us just hit our 10 years at a single job… It wasn’t me.

I want to live clean and get healthy. I am so sick and tired of people telling me what I already know. Yes, I am EXTREAMLY overweight, yes I know what that can do to my body, yes I am aware that I can’t continue to live this way without consequences. How about you come over and teach me everything you do and how to overcome my downfalls and self-hate to learn a new lifestyle. Oh, what’s that? You have your own life. Yeah well, stop trying to tell me how easy it is unless you understand the shit I have to wade past just to get into the freaking club. Eat healthier, I have, you know what happens, I loose about 15lbs, which at this size is so not hard to do, then I bounce back and/or don’t loose anymore. Oh, but don’t worry, I am told that when I REEEEEALLY want it I will make it happen…

I know way too much about Tiny houses, crafts, and visas. I have studied every single way that you can legally get a visa to live in Japan. Think you don’t qualify for one. You could be wrong but you have to meet some qualifications first. I have so much useless information about things I will most likely never do. I want to start my own company but my own lack of solid skill/commitment keeps me here, behind a keyboard telling no one how sad and pitiful I am.

Oh, and my latest dream, an RV. Why? Because I worry that my terrible habits are going to land my family without a home and at least with an RV we could travel and find a place to work with a home over us like turtles.

Wow, this blog turned into a bummer. Sorry guys, this was a much-needed rant.

Author: keyboardcouple

A couple who write and learn in front of their keyboards.

1 thought on “Big dreams & little buckets”

  1. When a Dream dies, it is sad, but it should become the fertilizer for future dreams. And there are dreams that have come true as well, and those become the rods to support the newer and bigger dreams that you have. We all lose hope but it is at that moment that we have to count the blessings in ours lives, not just the curses. When we forget our dreams, we should hug our child(ren); our spouse, our parent, our pet. There is someone in our lives that will always make us smile, and for that, we have a dream come true.

    Liked by 1 person

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