This time last year I had just started with my therapy and finding help for what I thought at the time was maybe just depression, and a bit of some kind of crazy. Because what sane person sees demonic or dead figures, watches them act out a story or scream their name in the middle of the night?
Well, I was right that I had depression, however, it was classified as Severe depression with Highetened Anxiety. Oh and Untreated or documented PTSD! Wooooo.
The voices and visions were because my brain didn’t know how else to tell me something is seriously wrong and we need help. They made great inspiration for scary stories, but I was so tired all of the time and seeing random things just made me jumpy all of the time. I can’t count the number of times Kris woke up to me crying and saying creepy things about why I couldn’t sleep.
Fast Forward to a full year plus of being on medication, getting help and having a subject to research and help me keep on top of things. I feel like I still have bad days. The visions are not completely gone, especially if I forget to take my meds. I know that my family is upset to see me on so many pills and think that I am just trying to medicate myself away or that my doctor pushed me into it. No. I went for help. I do use the pills, they do help. I can tell a clear difference of when I have not taken them. (as they wear out of my system)
I enjoy being able to stop myself from yelling about stupid little things like my husband taking a bite out of all the food he makes for me. OMG that bugs me so much, but I would become like, someone just slapped my kid angry about it. He didn’t even know! I hadn’t told him it made me upset. He just did it out of habit since childhood. The communication about how I feel has been sooooo much better. My husband doesn’t understand feelings, or rather, how others feel. He thinks you should take everything at face value and that there is never a hidden meaning behind something unless otherwise said there is. He is extremely Vulcan. I am EXTREMELY emotional. Everything has meaning and you should always be aware of what you say and how it could come across in the situation. Yeah… We had some problems. We are coming up on 7 years of being married and I can honestly say that we understand each other so much better now. He knows that if I start getting upset or worked up with what I am saying that I am most often just having an off day. He will offer me tea, blankets, hugs, bubble bath, time alone. Whatever he things might help me. And I have learned how to take a deep breath, think about what I am feeling and explain it to him much like I would explain my symptoms to a doctor. It helps him get a better idea about how to address whatever we are talking about. It also helps me understand myself and why I might have been getting worked up about it.
So a year might not seem like a long time, or maybe it seems like forever! Either way, keep working on yourself. I have gotten help with my mental problems, developed greater communication with my husband and family, and went to school! I am about to start my finals for my second Term in two days! Just keep swimming, put one foot in front of the other, all that jazz.