Waiting for the fall

So often my life has been full of great chances or experiences followed by huge falls. I often tell people that I don’t have a fear of heights, just a fear of falling, because I know how much it hurts when you land.

I find that this has slowly been changing for me. As I work on bettering myself for me, I have found that I take great pride in my ups and lessons in my downs. No longer do I fear the fall because it will hurt. I understand that falls happen and that if I breath and use my tools I can learn from them and grow in a new or better way next time. So, Let’s talk about what I am pumped about doing.

So far I have lost over 10lbs. Which is amazing for me. Not just a loose it and gain it back like normal but a good month or two of being down in my weight. Or as my handsome husband likes to say, “Making new lows and lowering our highs.” He is right. When I stopped looking at it as a loose or you lose, I started noticing that yes sometimes I go up, but I have been rocketing down so even as I gain a little here or there, they are my new high which is still much lower then my old high. With that I have been pushing on. Focusing on my body and what I eat. Pushing myself to do more and move as much as I can without hurting myself.

Another thing I have going is my business. I started a new company called Mochi Photography. I had an idea a year and a half ago to have a booth where cosplayers or families could come and take pictures during their convention. I am also selling plushies and other crafty things I make in my spare time. I am now working on my sales pitch to get into daycare centers and other children rich areas where I can take pictures for them.

My other ongoing project is school! I am now in my second year of school to get my business degree. I am proud to say that my grades are awesome, my work is…. in by the due date, and I have really enjoyed the classes so far. I am so proud of myself for having stuck to my schooling and keeping up with it regardless of how I am feeling that week. I keep reminding myself that I started this school at the same time as Nik to keep me accountable. If he can do it so can I!

And one of my greatest ongoing joys is that Nik is doing so great in school. He is even leading the pack in the emergency drills and keeping focused on his work without a teacher or helper around to help. This is a big change from last year at the end of the year and a huge relief to my anxiety!

With all that said, I still have one more thing I am picking up in the next two months or so. I will be doing NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. I am going to focus down and split up my current novel work into a few novellas. So my project in November will be writing every day, and a deadline to finish the first draft of my Novella by the end of November.

So much to do, I am feeling a little tired just talking about it. Guess I should take a nap really quick before getting back to my homework, Mochi plushie making for this weekend, and taking care of Nik…… Nahhhhh I got this!

Well Hello There!

Tina here!

Long time no….. uh…. you reading my rabbeling? Anyway, I feel Kris did a really great job talking about why we just vanished. So I am going to move on from it.

My days have been filled with Anxiety, Stress, Depression and Self Reflection.

Anxiety because of my own finals for my last term of my first year of college. Anxiety because of my son starting back to school after having such a terrifying last month of school last year. Anxiety because of taking on my book again and breaking it down into novellas instead the Fuster Cluck that it is now. Anxiety because of pushing myself toward progress and goals and ignoring the screaming voice in my head that wants me to stop and hide away and just let things be as they are or have always been.

Stressed because my insurance stopped paying for my mental health doctors, so now I have to find new ones, because that wasn’t stressful enough the first time. Stressed because I feel torn in so many ways to do what my heart wants over what my head tells me is logical. Stressed because I fail to share with my support structure what is really going on with me and I fall into a black hole of suck. Stressed to be a better mother to my son who needs so much support right now. Stressed to be a better mother to my other son who is at a turning point in his life and I am missing everything. Stressed to be a better wife, daughter, niece, friend, sister, and just person to myself.

Depressed because I allow myself to fall into the holes. Depressed because I can’t keep up with my own ever changing feelings let alone keep everyone else up to date. Depressed because I know I used to do more, but now I feel so useless. Depressed because I can’t seem to shake the feeling of failing. Depressed because although so many things have been going right, I am still waiting for them to all go wrong. Which has lead to my husband insisting on Self Reflection.

Reflecting on the changes and progress I have made in the last year. Reflecting on how much stronger the understanding between me and my husband has made us and our relationship. Reflecting about how my goals have been met or surpassed and I keep reaching higher and higher, becoming less and less afraid of the fall. Reflecting on the people in my life who have brought me new joy and hope with their love and friendship. Reflecting on the opportunities that I have made for myself. Reflecting on my own strength and creativity regardless of what I can’t do any more.

So this time has been a time of chaos and discovery and I can’t wait to share more and more with all of you. I have more on my plate, but I have some ideas of some really great things to share with you all!

See Ya Later!

When a little goes a long way

Tina Here!

One of the things I love about my husband is the drive and passion he can have for projects. He wants to clean the room. You can bet your 70’s disco playlist he will get it done. He wants to build a world, Hell, why not build a world, novel, and game based around that world. One of the things that has been hard on both of us has been our weight. He would never say anything to me about it because, well, I am extremely sensitive about it. However, since I was pregnant with Nik we both have grown quite a bit. I saw one of my inspirations on YouTube talk about her own weight loss journey and thought huh, I bet I could do that.

So, Kris and I downloaded Lose it and have been tracking our weight loss for the last 16 days. I haven’t really lost much but I didn’t expect to loose to much. Really, I wanted to have a log of my eating habits for a month to take to my doctor for advice. Well, so far what I have observed is that I very rarely eat over my “allowed” calorie limit. However, I have days were it is bad, just like everyone I am sure.

 

So far this has been more a trial of memory and remembering to log everything. Often times I hand it over to Kris and go, “Does this really look right to you?”

So far it has been telling me I should reach my first weight goal by January next year…. or July… It can’t decide. So I guess we will find out around then.

Better Late than Never

Tina Here!

Sorry about that lack in post on Wednesday. It was my day and although everyone around me has said, “Why don’t you pre-write the posts?” Well, I am an authentic writer. I like to write something that is relevant to what is going on with me at the time. However, this leads to some of the same issues we just had. I was bogged down with Doctor appointments of various kinds on Wednesday, which is also my Pathfinder game night where I am the DM, and it was the last day of the week for my online school to turn in work for that week. So I thought, ehh, I will be a day late. NOPE! My life had plans.

One of the greatest things that has happened this year was the meeting of my amazing friend Gen. She is a freaking god send. She loves the same stuff I do, she is right on key with goals and life goals. She is, as one of my favorite books Anne of Green Gables, would say, my bosom friend. Someone that it seems like my life was never whole without. She understands me, she listens and I love her to pieces. Gen has, above everything else she has done for me, inspired me to follow my dreams of owning my own cafe. A dream I have held in my heart since middle school. The reason she comes up now is because yesterday she came over to work on homework with me and we got sidetracked and started talking about my plans for a cafe again. She started asking me some really tough questions about funding and where I was going to get the money for start up and such and it got us cooking on how to make this thing really happen.

So, I would like to introduce Keyboard Crafts. My new craft Etsy store. I am working on finishing up things like logos and other set ups, but I will be crafting for my cafe, using the money I make to fund my dreams. I enjoy making all kinds of crafts, from crocheting cute little dolls, to making notebooks, soaps and custom designed shirts. So keep an eye out for that stuff and a link to the store to come up soon.

In other news, I am now in my 4th Term of school! I have almost finished my first year!!!!! I am so freaking excited and can’t wait to look back at everything I have done and use it as fuel anytime I start feeling low. I got this! We got this! YOU got this! Let’s go make stuff happen!

Year of Change

Tina here.

This time last year I had just started with my therapy and finding help for what I thought at the time was maybe just depression, and a bit of some kind of crazy. Because what sane person sees demonic or dead figures, watches them act out a story or scream their name in the middle of the night?

Well, I was right that I had depression, however, it was classified as Severe depression with Highetened Anxiety. Oh and Untreated or documented PTSD! Wooooo.

The voices and visions were because my brain didn’t know how else to tell me something is seriously wrong and we need help. They made great inspiration for scary stories, but I was so tired all of the time and seeing random things just made me jumpy all of the time.  I can’t count the number of times Kris woke up to me crying and saying creepy things about why I couldn’t sleep.

Fast Forward to a full year plus of being on medication, getting help and having a subject to research and help me keep on top of things. I feel like I still have bad days. The visions are not completely gone, especially if I forget to take my meds. I know that my family is upset to see me on so many pills and think that I am just trying to medicate myself away or that my doctor pushed me into it. No. I went for help. I do use the pills, they do help. I can tell a clear difference of when I have not taken them. (as they wear out of my system)

I enjoy being able to stop myself from yelling about stupid little things like my husband taking a bite out of all the food he makes for me. OMG that bugs me so much, but I would become like, someone just slapped my kid angry about it. He didn’t even know! I hadn’t told him it made me upset. He just did it out of habit since childhood. The communication about how I feel has been sooooo much better. My husband doesn’t understand feelings, or rather, how others feel. He thinks you should take everything at face value and that there is never a hidden meaning behind something unless otherwise said there is. He is extremely Vulcan. I am EXTREMELY emotional. Everything has meaning and you should always be aware of what you say and how it could come across in the situation. Yeah… We had some problems. We are coming up on 7 years of being married and I can honestly say that we understand each other so much better now. He knows that if I start getting upset or worked up with what I am saying that I am most often just having an off day. He will offer me tea, blankets, hugs, bubble bath, time alone. Whatever he things might help me. And I have learned how to take a deep breath, think about what I am feeling and explain it to him much like I would explain my symptoms to a doctor. It helps him get a better idea about how to address whatever we are talking about. It also helps me understand myself and why I might have been getting worked up about it.

So a year might not seem like a long time, or maybe it seems like forever! Either way, keep working on yourself. I have gotten help with my mental problems, developed greater communication with my husband and family, and went to school! I am about to start my finals for my second Term in two days! Just keep swimming, put one foot in front of the other, all that jazz.

 

Much love,

2018 Tina

How we Outline

Howdy ya’ll Tina here again! You know what that means. I am just sooo much cooler than Kris. I get to say that because I can. HA!

So because thinking up a blog post on the fly is OH so much fun, I am proud to present you with, Our outlines for NaNoWriMo! This is my second year doing it, but I am kinda cheating because I don’t want to start a brand new novel, I am going to do 50,000 more words on the novel I worked on last year! And this will be Kristopher’s first year doing it so he is a fresh new little baby into the whole NaNo world. He is aiming for weekly goals and as he says, isn’t wholly aiming for 50,000 so much as for writing every week on a story.  So, I thought I would share with you some of the brain farts and dumps that we do when we were getting ready to get started!

Let’s start with me first since Kris still hasn’t sent me his pictures yet.

Binder
I have a Binder for Each of my Projects
Acts
Each Manuscript has it broken down into Acts
Blocks
Which is then broken down into 3 blocks
Scenes
Further broken down into 3 scenes

So, When I break it down like this I find it much easier to focus myself on what I am writing at that moment. I make notes on each scene as to what I plan to do within that scene and expand it with my beautiful words. Taking in those tiny little strings of thought and turning them into big fat bottomed thoughts of filled goodness. I push to have about 500-1000 words per scene but tend to end up with more.

So in that image you can see my ideas for each Scene on that Block. Then I included pictures of the word count for each of them to show you that I tend to go a bit more heavy handed in words. I enjoy adding detail, and I can always cut it out later if I need to.  Here are some extra pictures from my project I thought you might like to see.

Project Statistics
Here are some stats from my projects
Full break down
And here is just a full view of more of my acts.

Now, Kris does things a little more wonky….

Now I apologize for the blurriness and crazy tones in the pictures, that was my fault. However, you can see, Kris likes to lay out a bubble plot where he has lines that connect in various ways. How did he say it again? *shuffling papers around, flinging post-it notes here and there* AH! here it is, “double lines are plot progression, single lines or connected bubbles are relevant or progressing ideas”.

There you have it. He included several pictures of his more detailed outlines where he has it more neatly laid out but I thought the bubbles were the cooler part of that whole process.  He has pushed himself so far and I am so proud of him. I have really enjoyed getting to brainstorm with him about ideas for both of our stories since they both take place in the same world. He is even going to have one of my main plot points show up in his book for like a few seconds. *girly sequel* How romantic is that! Well, Until next time Keyboard Couple readers!

 

Same Bat Time, Same Bat Place!

 

*Groovy bat symbol spiny sound*