Waiting for the fall

So often my life has been full of great chances or experiences followed by huge falls. I often tell people that I don’t have a fear of heights, just a fear of falling, because I know how much it hurts when you land.

I find that this has slowly been changing for me. As I work on bettering myself for me, I have found that I take great pride in my ups and lessons in my downs. No longer do I fear the fall because it will hurt. I understand that falls happen and that if I breath and use my tools I can learn from them and grow in a new or better way next time. So, Let’s talk about what I am pumped about doing.

So far I have lost over 10lbs. Which is amazing for me. Not just a loose it and gain it back like normal but a good month or two of being down in my weight. Or as my handsome husband likes to say, “Making new lows and lowering our highs.” He is right. When I stopped looking at it as a loose or you lose, I started noticing that yes sometimes I go up, but I have been rocketing down so even as I gain a little here or there, they are my new high which is still much lower then my old high. With that I have been pushing on. Focusing on my body and what I eat. Pushing myself to do more and move as much as I can without hurting myself.

Another thing I have going is my business. I started a new company called Mochi Photography. I had an idea a year and a half ago to have a booth where cosplayers or families could come and take pictures during their convention. I am also selling plushies and other crafty things I make in my spare time. I am now working on my sales pitch to get into daycare centers and other children rich areas where I can take pictures for them.

My other ongoing project is school! I am now in my second year of school to get my business degree. I am proud to say that my grades are awesome, my work is…. in by the due date, and I have really enjoyed the classes so far. I am so proud of myself for having stuck to my schooling and keeping up with it regardless of how I am feeling that week. I keep reminding myself that I started this school at the same time as Nik to keep me accountable. If he can do it so can I!

And one of my greatest ongoing joys is that Nik is doing so great in school. He is even leading the pack in the emergency drills and keeping focused on his work without a teacher or helper around to help. This is a big change from last year at the end of the year and a huge relief to my anxiety!

With all that said, I still have one more thing I am picking up in the next two months or so. I will be doing NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. I am going to focus down and split up my current novel work into a few novellas. So my project in November will be writing every day, and a deadline to finish the first draft of my Novella by the end of November.

So much to do, I am feeling a little tired just talking about it. Guess I should take a nap really quick before getting back to my homework, Mochi plushie making for this weekend, and taking care of Nik…… Nahhhhh I got this!

Well Hello There!

Tina here!

Long time no….. uh…. you reading my rabbeling? Anyway, I feel Kris did a really great job talking about why we just vanished. So I am going to move on from it.

My days have been filled with Anxiety, Stress, Depression and Self Reflection.

Anxiety because of my own finals for my last term of my first year of college. Anxiety because of my son starting back to school after having such a terrifying last month of school last year. Anxiety because of taking on my book again and breaking it down into novellas instead the Fuster Cluck that it is now. Anxiety because of pushing myself toward progress and goals and ignoring the screaming voice in my head that wants me to stop and hide away and just let things be as they are or have always been.

Stressed because my insurance stopped paying for my mental health doctors, so now I have to find new ones, because that wasn’t stressful enough the first time. Stressed because I feel torn in so many ways to do what my heart wants over what my head tells me is logical. Stressed because I fail to share with my support structure what is really going on with me and I fall into a black hole of suck. Stressed to be a better mother to my son who needs so much support right now. Stressed to be a better mother to my other son who is at a turning point in his life and I am missing everything. Stressed to be a better wife, daughter, niece, friend, sister, and just person to myself.

Depressed because I allow myself to fall into the holes. Depressed because I can’t keep up with my own ever changing feelings let alone keep everyone else up to date. Depressed because I know I used to do more, but now I feel so useless. Depressed because I can’t seem to shake the feeling of failing. Depressed because although so many things have been going right, I am still waiting for them to all go wrong. Which has lead to my husband insisting on Self Reflection.

Reflecting on the changes and progress I have made in the last year. Reflecting on how much stronger the understanding between me and my husband has made us and our relationship. Reflecting about how my goals have been met or surpassed and I keep reaching higher and higher, becoming less and less afraid of the fall. Reflecting on the people in my life who have brought me new joy and hope with their love and friendship. Reflecting on the opportunities that I have made for myself. Reflecting on my own strength and creativity regardless of what I can’t do any more.

So this time has been a time of chaos and discovery and I can’t wait to share more and more with all of you. I have more on my plate, but I have some ideas of some really great things to share with you all!

See Ya Later!

Mark – 3 – Short story Saturday

Hi Ya’ll, Tina here again! I know you missed me.

Yeah last week was kinda left to the side lines. Kris was cleaning, I was getting to be mother to both of my boys at the same time and deal with my Still in training crazy pupper Izzy. Well, Now I am back home in my amazingly beautiful house(Thanks Kris!!!) and ready to get back to work. School has started back up and I am excited to finish out my very first year of college! Now, To continue the story of Mark and see where it goes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding. The bell chimed five times. The smell of smoke filled Mark’s nose as he took a deep breath in, waking up from his nap. He blinked his eyes and slowly looked around. The room was a deep rich brown color filled with Victorian looking decorations. It looked as if he had just stepped into a Sherlock Holmes novel. To be sure, it was one of his most cherished books as a kid and well into his adulthood. He could recite the various titles by heart and give you a run down of each one. He looked around the room and then down to his own two feet.

His shoes were nothing but some very soft looking house slippers. He was wearing loose fitting pajamas and a robe over a night shirt. He looked at his hands. The long lines and tawny strength of them gave him the faint memory of his teen years working around the small town he grew up in fixing things and helping with general projects. He was missing some scars that he had rightly acquired as a young man and they seemed to be much softer then he recalled.

The soft click of the door being opened brought him out of his self evaluation.

“Master Mark, Your dinner and Ms. Arthur are waiting in the dining room.” The soft, older voice of a woman called.

“Uh, Okay. Thank you very much!” The door shut and Mark stood up. As he did he spotted himself in the mirror above the fireplace. A younger looking man with the breath of youth still in his eyes was looking back. Mark realized that this dream was a nightmare, he was 16 again. No one wants that.

~~~~~

Walking into the dining room Mark took note of the man standing off to the side looking like a proper butler. Seated at the table was a beautiful young woman with golden waves of hair and an elegantly styled bun upon her head. She looked up and smiled. The smile and crinkle of her eyes reminded Mark of something foggy in the back of his mind.

“Oh, Mark dear! Have a seat, you must be famished.” The woman cooed.

Mark started to take a seat in the chair across from her on the side of the table. A curt cough echoed the room from the man near by. He lowered his hand and walked over to pull out the chair at the head of the table. Ms. Arthur’s face broke into a small grin. Mark scurried over to the chair, feeling slightly odd about taking the head seat at the table.

“Um, Ms. Arthur was it?” She nodded as plates were brought out. “What is going on? Why am I sitting at the head?”

Ms. Arthur’s smile faded, “Do you not remember anything? The conversation, the Trip, the conversion?” Mark shook his head. “Oh, dear, you must be so confused. Well, after we got here they gave you the age you had asked for and then reviewed your tastes to see where we might be best placed. I didn’t really have any preferences but they said for the job you were here to do, This would be the best setting and time placement.”

Mark shook his head as food was placed in front of him. A warm soup that smelled slightly sweet and savory. “I-I’m not quite sure what is going on. Can you explain more?”

Ms. Arthur thought for a moment and seemed to jump slightly in her chair as she though of an idea. She reached over and picked up a book from the floor next to her.

“Here, they said this should help you understand.”

Mark took the book and saw the words that were so familiar to him. ‘Tales of Sir Sherlock Holmes’.

Road Trips

Howdy everyone. Tina here.

I am currently out here in Oklahoma so that I can act as a taxi for my eldest kiddo. Taking him back and forth to Band camp and Robotics camp. I got to see a really awesome thunderstorm and have been working on some new shirt designs that I really enjoy. I have to say over all this trip has been useful. It is my first trip in a long time without Kris which made both of us super nervous. Lots of texts and phone calls. I have still had my share of panic attacks, anxiety fueled nausea, and bouts of not being able to walk without assistance. However, the major thing is, I have been able to keep going. I am still here. I am still doing all the mom things that need to be done and I am finding a way past my own problems. My husband has been an amazing support system and I still call him when I start to feel overwhelmed. However, being here and doing these things has helped me mentally to understand that I can still be a mom and get done the things that need to be done.

I love my family and every day that I get to spend out here with them helps to remind me of the love and support that I have with me in my life. My family is also learning that the young girl they knew as she grew up has matured and grown as an adult as well. That minor things that I may have blown out of proportion as a younger Tina are no longer met with world ending panic. Now I just shrug and have a more, “Welp, if I can’t fix it now, it wasn’t meant to be changed.” kind of attitude.

Seeing how I have grown based on the reactions of my family has been a blessing to be sure. It is often hard to see ourselves or our own changes because we have such an up close and issue focused perspective. If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be to allow others to grace you with the gift of their own perspective. Allow yourself to understand that what you see all the time might leave out the leaps and bounds of changes you have made. Also, I love you all. Keep your chin up and understand that what happens today doesn’t have to happen tomorrow.

Short Story Saturday

Tina here.

I don’t know about all you guys, but I am freaking loving the retelling of the campaign I play with my friends. If you don’t know already…. I am the pervy shoemaker. This week I have been feeling pretty gross and under the weather. So, as far as my story goes, I don’t know that I can really do any justice to providing a story. But bet your sweetest honey I am gonna try! Be warned, I asked my son for the type of story I am going to write. Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~MARK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The flames flew high as Mark ran down the hallway to the last room. This apartment complex had been in need of some dire upgrades to keep this kind of thing from happening but in this part of town, upgrades were not high on the list of priorities.

The last door was registered to a Mrs. Karhu, an 80 something year old woman who had lived here for longer than anyone could remember. Mark checked the air flow under the door to be sure he wasn’t running into a bigger inferno and opened the door. The flames were not yet invading on this apartment that seemed to be stuck in the 1940s, but the heat from the rest of the building being on fire was making itself known.

“MRS. KARHU” Mark called out though his mask, then quietly listened for a response.

He walked toward the back and checked the other rooms. In the back bedroom was the old woman, dressed in her Sunday best and laying on the bed with a suitcase next to her. Sitting quietly next to her was a small girl with long white hair, who turned to look at the fireman as he marched toward them.

“We have to get you out of here!” He closed the door and opened a window to wave down the ladder truck. When he turned back around the old woman was gone along with her suitcase. Mark had not heard the door open or felt any of the things that might happen if they had with the windows open. “Where did she go?” The small girl just watched Mark move around the room looking in the bathroom and closet. The heat was increasing greatly and they were running out of time to escape.

Mark grabbed the small girl and headed to the window to the waiting firefighter. “I can’t find the old lady!”

“No time, your backed in, let’s go before the building comes down on you!” The firefighter hooked a harness to the girl and instructed her to start climbing down.

Mark took one last look around the room and went out the window.

Hours later and the fire had been quelled but the building had been damaged so badly that it could no longer stand on it’s own. With a small rumble and little fanfare, the building came down. Everyone was mostly accounted for and escorted to a temporary shelter as they got things in order. The little girl had been alone the whole time and when everyone started to part ways and find a bed the girl just stood there. Mark watched from afar and waited to see what would happen. The landlord had said that there was no record of the girl in their files and that the old woman had always lived alone as far as he knew.

The night wore on as the girl continued to stand in one spot and observe everything that was going on around her. Then at 3 am Mark looked over to see the girl staring right at him. Her eyes seeming to almost glow with a pale blue light.

“You must come back. They won’t move on.” An eerie voice called out. With that the little girl opened her hand and touched a small necklace.

The flames flew high as Mark ran down the hallway to the last room. This apartment complex had been in need of some dire upgrades to keep this kind of thing from happening but in this part of town, upgrades were not high on the list of priorities.

The last door was registered to a Mrs. Karhu, an 80 something year old woman who had lived here for longer than anyone could remember. Mark stopped. This – this was familiar. Had he not been here already?

The door swung open and an old lady and little girl were standing there holding hands. “Hello Mark.” The old lady ushered in the firefighter as if he was just paying a visit. Mark walked in and shut the door behind him. Suddenly the heat of the fire was gone.

“Mark dear, won’t you sit with us a moment?”

Mark looked around quickly, the carbon monoxide must have messed with their heads. “No ma’m, there is a fire and we need to get you two to safety now.” Mark made his way over to the windows in the living room and looked out. Outside it was a dark night with the city going on as it always had. Where were the trucks? The flames? The other rescued people?

“Mark, I think you had better sit down. Allow me to explain.”

Mark looked around and shook his head. Something was wrong. With long strides Mark reached the front door again and reached for the knob. However there was a strange little girl blocking the way.

“Mark, she doesn’t want you to leave. I think it would be best if you listened to us first.”

The man looked back at the old woman for a moment and thought about sitting down. This big suit was extremely heavy. He shook his head and turned to the door again seeing that the girl was now gone, he turned the knob and pulled it open.

“You must come back. They won’t move on.”

The flames flew high as Mark ran down the hallway to the last room. This apartment complex had been in need of some dire upgrades to keep this kind of thing from happening but in this part of town, upgrades were not high on the list of priorities.

The last door was registered to a Mrs. Karhu, an 80 something year old woman wh-, wait. This door. This woman. This feeling. Mark felt as if he had something crawling under his skin. He shut his eyes and upon opening them found himself sitting inside an apartment he had never been to before but seemed to know where everything was. Across from him sat an older lady who was pouring tea for three people.

“Mrs. Karhu?” Mark questioned.

“Hello again Mark.” the old woman smiled.

“What is going on?” Mark took off his helmet and sat it next to him.

“Well, it appears that you are expected.” The old lady smiled. “You see, I was one of those working class women. The few who never had a family because my job was my life. Well, my dedication and experience led me to be the best in my field. I started working for the government and well. Long story short, I met her.” Mrs. Karhu nodded to the little girl standing to the side.

Mark watched the small girl as she walked over and sat next to the elderly woman.

“Mark, You are exceptional.” She paused waiting for him to watch her again. “You are like myself. Someone who is needed. We have something that is missing from people like this girl.” The woman patted the girls hands that were folded on her lap.

“Sorry, but, I don’t think I understand. I am a firefighter. I am needed during emergencies.” Mark stated trying to shake this groggy feeling.

“That’s right Mark, but you are also a leader. Waiting to emerge from your cocoon.” The woman smiled. Mark noticed a suitcase next to the couch. There was another one that looked just like the one he used for his sparce traveling. “Mark, they want  you to come with us.”

Mark looked back to the woman and saw that standing behind her were three other people, two men and a woman, all dressed as if out of the 1940s and watching Mark.

“Where?”

The old lady giggled, “No, Mark, when. We are needed in the future.”

Mark looked the people over and figured he was just dreaming. “Sure. Why not. Do I get a T-shirt as a prize afterward?”

The old lady smiled. “I don’t think you really understand but they take everything at face value, so your approval has been accepted and we will start the process to leave soon. Right Elanor?”

The small girl nodded. Mark laughed and picked up his tea cup.

The lady from behind the couch spoke up. “What age would you like Mark?”

Mark looked shocked for a moment at the monotone voice that came out without any feeling. “Age?”

The old lady stepped in again. “Yes, you can pick what age you would like to be when we get there. Technology is so amazing! I am going for 25!”

(To be continued)

When a little goes a long way

Tina Here!

One of the things I love about my husband is the drive and passion he can have for projects. He wants to clean the room. You can bet your 70’s disco playlist he will get it done. He wants to build a world, Hell, why not build a world, novel, and game based around that world. One of the things that has been hard on both of us has been our weight. He would never say anything to me about it because, well, I am extremely sensitive about it. However, since I was pregnant with Nik we both have grown quite a bit. I saw one of my inspirations on YouTube talk about her own weight loss journey and thought huh, I bet I could do that.

So, Kris and I downloaded Lose it and have been tracking our weight loss for the last 16 days. I haven’t really lost much but I didn’t expect to loose to much. Really, I wanted to have a log of my eating habits for a month to take to my doctor for advice. Well, so far what I have observed is that I very rarely eat over my “allowed” calorie limit. However, I have days were it is bad, just like everyone I am sure.

 

So far this has been more a trial of memory and remembering to log everything. Often times I hand it over to Kris and go, “Does this really look right to you?”

So far it has been telling me I should reach my first weight goal by January next year…. or July… It can’t decide. So I guess we will find out around then.