When Kris dreams

Kris here

I had an idea for another silly story about Tina’s nighttime antics, but I wasn’t able to get everything completed for that. So instead, let’s talk about dreams for a minute.

No not like, goals. I mean like I’m-asleep-leave-me-alone dreams.

I don’t talk a lot about dreams to many people, and I figured it was just because most people don’t like talking about their personal stuff. That’s totally fine. But dang I’ve been learning that a lot of people don’t even remember or care about whatever they dream about each night. Maybe these people are boring, or maybe they have normal dreams about stuff I guess, that sounds pretty sucky to be honest. A lot of time I’ll wake up specifically to jot down what I just lived through because hot damn they get intense. I feel like the emotions or sensations felt while your brain is just cleaning house at night get to be unnecessarily intense.

I mentioned it briefly a few weeks ago, but when I was younger I basically had nightmares for about ten years following a few scary movies I maybe was too young for. I don’t think I survived a single dream between ages 8 and 14 in fact. No matter how often it happened, I always woke up sweating bullets, pulse racing a mile a minute. I started becoming a thrill junky honestly, to this day there’s not much I love more than a good racing pulse right when I wake up.

I once dreamt about spiders taking over the world en masse and killing off most of humanity – I was spared of course because I was always nice to spiders. So I’m hanging out living daily life sans humanity, just my spider family and I. Suddenly I hear a loud CRUNCH and I’m like oh god no what have I done? Everyone around surrounded me and were all mad about my stepping on their best friend who was just trying to walk next to me. So there I am, being hauled off in ropes made of spiders – wrapped around me and crawling all up inside my clothes, biting me and being generally creepy. At the end of the trip was a guillotine made of spiders, and the end of my dream was them repeatedly dropping the spider-blade and sloooowly beheading me.

I’m still a fan of spiders, but what the hell brain? I woke up pretty panicked though so it was fine.

This stuff can be good fuel for games or stories or whatever you want to do and you can’t come up with ideas for. I woke up this morning the saddest I’ve felt in QUITE some time over a hyper-focused dream about some fictional people I’ve never known or met. While I can’t necessarily say I agree with the material itself, you can be sure I wrote that down immediately to help inspire me if I ever need to write the saddest scene ever and I’m just too happy.

Hi, I’m Tina, The scary one.

So my husband, has had to deal with so much, uh, trauma from this marriage that I don’t know that he could ever recover. He has grown so adapted to my little ticks and tricks that sometimes I even forget things that he remembers in a snap.

Because of this I have taken him to every doctor’s appointment I can so that I don’t miss anything and I have extra ears to absorb the information. Let me tell you about a time that my migraine made me forget how to speak English.

So first off, my family was in town visiting us and I was feeling kind of off all day. I would forget words or stutter frequently. The kids got into a fight and the adults were all yelling and the color of the room just, shifted. I felt dizzy and went to sit down. Followed in by my aunt who found me shaking bad enough to worry and go grab my husband. He came in and when I would try and tell him about the colors or the pain in my head. I would just stutter the words out. It got worse and worse to the point where I couldn’t say anything. However, I know my letters in ASL as does he, and we have been learning Japanese together for some time now. So, I attempted in both ways to tell him what was going on. We were both baffled. My family was freaked out. I was freaked out, and with anxiety as a major issue for me, I was doing my best just to not break down and bawl in a hole for the next week.

My aunt agreed to watch the kids as my husband drove me to the ER, however, we had noted a few days before that an ER clinic had opened up down the street from the hospital. It was associated with the hospital and had lots of equipment to take care of us. So we popped in there. As we walked in, me clinging to Kris’ arm to be steady enough to walk. The nurse started our check in. Because I couldn’t talk, Kris was doing all the talking for me, as I would tap him and remind him of something in ASL. I don’t know what triggered it for them, but one of them said they had paperwork for him to fill out and they would take me back to a room to get me set up and take my vitals. What happened next still makes me angry.

I was bombarded with various nurses and doctors all trying to get me to talk to them. Saying things like, “It’s alright, he can’t get to you here, we won’t let him back.” I tried signing to them that I wasn’t being abused but they didn’t know any ASL. They handed me paper and that is when I learned that I also couldn’t read or write anything. Like at all. I started to cry in frustration as I pushed harder and harder to speak in English and all that would happen is stuttering and extreme pain in my head. Like level 11 out of 10. They kept trying to get me to lay down and just breath but at that point I just wanted my husband so he could explain, or translate. I pushed past them all, shoving several out of my way, with tears streaming down my face. I walked back out to the front where I could hear Kris asking to see me and being told that they just needed a few more mins with me. I came out the door to see him being bullied by a 5ft nothing nurse. He was shaken when he saw how upset I was, but all I did was yell profanities in Japanese and grab his arm and try to drag him out of there. He stopped me and made me breath, holding me close and shielding me from the nurses and doctors that had come chasing after me. I signed to him that they though he hurt me. He confronted them and called them out on assuming and refusing to listen. I wanted to leave. Go home or to the hospital down the street, but by this point I could barely walk. I started shaking badly again and Kris took me to the room they had set up for me and held my hand the whole time they talked to me from then on. I told him to tell them that they needed to learn ASL. He didn’t. But this man was my rock then, and will be forever.

Side note: after several hours of tests, the doctor calling people for ideas and lots of meds, I was able to slowly come back into some kind of normal and we were discharged.

That time Kris was scared of Tina

Kris here

Tina’s been writing quite a bit lately about some personal things she’s been going through and I’m very proud she’s advanced to the point that she can share these things. She gave me the go ahead recently to discuss another rare facet of her glowing personality, so I decided to give it a brief mention. Something she can’t tell you about, because she’s never been there!

There are a lot of preconceptions in the world, and I’m not really sure how or where I’ve built all mine up. The one I wasn’t prepared to have shattered was the one about sleepwalking. Do people actually sleepwalk? Heck I don’t know, it’s just a movie trope I guess. I’ve moved rooms and not remembered it, or told someone how to solve a math problem and then lapsed into unconsciousness. Is that sleepwalking? Maybe, but let me tell you about some stuff I’ve learned in the last ten years.

Firstly, there are different levels of sleep walking and my experiences certainly don’t span the spectrum – they only span my wife.

The first time I encountered this was about seven or eight years ago. Tina jabbed me awake a bit roughly, so I jolted up like the house was on fire. “Zomg what’s wrong!” I looked to my adorable wife in alarm. She stared at me. Just..staring. And then she handed me a small children’s toy. Okay sure, but what’s the matter! I took the toy from her hands and investigated, maybe it was actually going to explode? No, no it’s just a toy. She bolted from the room into the pitch-black kitchen and rushed over to the fridge and just stood there. She was staring at the closed laundry door for about a minute or so in the darkness and obviously I’m a grown adult, so I’m not going anywhere near. I’ve seen the Blair Witch project dang it. She yanked the freezer open, talking about “I have to save them! I have to save them” Looking frantically, tossing stuff every which way. I flipped the light on in my room and followed her into the kitchen.

“Saving who Tina?”

She plucks this bag out of the freezer in triumph, backing away from me clutching the bag like a stolen candy bar. “I have to save the peas”

“The …the peas?”

My wide-eyed wife ran into the bathroom with those frozen peas and climbed into the bathtub, where she stayed in a state of panic until she fell asleep about 5 minutes later. A minute or two following, she woke up super groggy and disoriented.

“Kris, why am I in the bathtub?”

What did we learn from this experience? Well, Tina is just so cute and terrifying. Sleep walking can apparently turn you into a different person with very different goals than your usual self. Lastly, if someone wakes you up in the middle of the night and then runs off into the other room to stand unmoving in the darkness, just hide until they get into the bathtub and everything should be fine.

Izzy – Happy 1st Birthday!

Tina here, and yes you read that correctly, Izzy is now 1 year old! She has come so far since we first got her and learned so much. Her willingness to work with me and learn and adapt to new tasks has been incredible. We have had our problems and issues with things like chewing on dear lord everything! But over all, She has been the biggest blessing in my life, providing me love and compassion with all of her heart.

She has molded and adapted to understanding when I need space or when I need her close. She knows when anyone else in the house isn’t feeling well too. She has been an amazing protector and only barks/growls when asked to or when someone is around the house without telling us first.

I love her so much and it is so fitting that her birthday is on Valentine’s day, considering how full of love and care she is and how much she wants to give it to everyone she meets.

We are still working on training but for the most part she has 3 tasks now that she helps me with everyday, Getting up the stairs, general balance when not using my walker, and space awareness and creation. She does so much more then that but when people ask me what tasks she preforms for me, those are my go to. Okay, now for some adorable pictures.

Building my support

Tina here! I want to look back on the last year of mental health improvement that I have been working on and mostly remind myself of how far I have come and how far I can still go.

When I started out on my journey to help my depression, I didn’t have much hope that anything would change. I spent everyday in bed. Food and drinks were brought to me. I entertained my son with videos and video games and limited my interactions with people to the point that I truly believed I had no one besides my husband. Even then he was just putting up with his lot in life because he would never give up. I had convinced myself with what I felt was firm evidence that no one wanted to be around me, that they put up with me for one reason or another.

One day, Kris said that there was help being offered at work. He encouraged me to take the information and just talk to someone. I didn’t do it because I had some epiphany that I could get better. No, I truly thought my family would be better off if I was gone. I did it because the one person I saw as having a choice to stand by me was asking me to try. Not some like lovey dovey reason. Just that it might make his chore of caring for me a little bit easier.

So I called the number and talked with a coordinator who took action to get me a list of people in my area I could go talk to. Which is great but it took many reminders from Kris and several follow up calls for me to even start calling anyone on that list. I didn’t know what to say or if I would say something wrong. I tried several of the numbers only to leave messages that were never returned or to be told they had no openings. I was defeated. I gave up. Kris had a few more weeks of sad mopey me who had “tried”.

I get a call from the wellness coordinator with my husband’s work who was check in to see if there was anything she could do to help because of recent ER visits for migraines. I don’t know what sparked it in me but when she said, “But seriously if there is ANYTHING I can help you with please let me know.” I cracked. I started bawling and telling her of my struggle to find someone to talk to and how I had gone over the list and still couldn’t find someone.

This amazing nurse jumped and started calling for opening herself. Then gave me a list of those. She then helped me set up a Primary Care Doctor so that we could get me started on long term treatment plans. I called and left messages on 3 phone number and felt defeated again. I was sitting there crying about how even if I wanted to change that the universe was against it, when she called. My saving light. She called me back and set up to have me come in the next morning.

Jane was my push. She saw me not as someone broken and needing to be fixed, but as a strong intelligent woman who had faught for so long and was so tired now. She helped me rebuild that confidence and self reliance that I had once been so proud of, and she pushed me to seek help for the things I often dismiss as unimportant.

She helped me realize that it is okay to be tired. It is okay to feel useless. But you have to remember who you are in your core, and set up people around you who know you and can remind you at times as well. Build your ladder as my favorite YouTuber Martina says. How to build your own ladder.

What kind of ladder can you start building today?

Kris’s random totally-not-procrastinating blog about a dream

Kris here,

I’m a big fan of scary stuff. Movies and games, stories, creepypastas, SCPs. Not the gory stuff, that’s actually terrible and I hate it, but if you throw me at a spooky world filled with ghosts or monsters lurking beneath, chances are pretty good that I love it. I think it’s because I accidentally watched one of the Poltergeist movies as a 4/5 year old after everyone had fallen asleep. Sitting in the dark listening to some tiny lady talking about some ghosts and go to the light child, it gave me nightmares for about a decade. Which was great!

I’ve actually spent a good while seeking out good nightmare stories on the internet over the years, so if anybody knows a fabulous one, go ahead and throw it my way.

I don’t really mind the scary dreams though, I kind of prefer them. I’ve had a bit of a recurring dream recently. Well, more like a recurring place. I’ve dreamt about this big spooky, dilapidated mansion 5 or 6 times in the last few months – but every time I do, I remember stuff from the last time I was there. Once I even brought Tina for some reason, and she was like “oh well we have to bring Nik” and dream Kris was like “are you crazy this place is haunted we can’t bring a 6 year old!” Obviously we did bring him and he gets lost and I wake up while my dream haunted mansion slams a door in my face with Nik on the other side.

Thanks dream, I really like a good adrenaline rush to get going in the morning.

For anyone out there like me, surrounded by people who hate being scared, here are some classic fallbacks I recommend:

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Anasi’s_Goatman_Story – This one might be hard to read if you’re not a fan of the greentext style, or the more casual (read: bad words) style of storytelling. I don’t let things like that get in my way but I understand we all have our sensitivities.

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/The_Smiling_Man – This is a pretty brief story, nothing extravagent but still a good read.

http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-087 – Man this story is super classic, I’ve read it like 5 times. It’s just fabulous. The entirety of the scp-wiki site could honestly be featured here because there’s a lot of good writing, but not all of it is spoopy and I’ve only read about a hundred or so.

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Ted_the_Caver – I don’t have a particular affinity to creepypasta wiki or anything, but it’s a convenient aggregate of stories that I’ve read over the years so why not keep it simple? Ted the caver was such a sinkhole of amazing when I read it a few years ago, I can’t not recommend that everyone just take some time to read the whole thing right now.

Leave a comment and share your favorites, let’s make sure we sleep with the lights on for a week!

Head problems

Tina here. Dealing with various medical issues I feel rather apt in saying that I have an extremely high pain tolerance.

Wait.

Before my husband can edit this and say, “No way dude, I poke you and you bruise.” I don’t mean that I don’t feel pain jerk off! I mean that I have to deal with a barrage of pain almost 24/7 at this point. Currently to write this post I am wearing sunglasses in a dark room where the windows have been covered by blankets. (I really need to buy some black out curtains.)

 

Among my sideshow variety of medical issues, I have menstrual migraines. Meaning that once a month when my hormones get pissed I didn’t get pregnant, my body goes into shut down mode. If I am lucky it just tries to kill me slowly from the ovaries out, however, there are times when it goes that extra mile and jacks with my brain. I get blinding headaches that make me want to pull out my hair for relief, or pull my eyeballs out with a spoon just so I can put pressure on the one spot in my head that is trying to kill me.  This has exploded to the point of me needing to go to the ER and get shots of morphine and later Dilaudid. Or what my nurse called legal crack. It was just to give me enough relief to get some sleep.

 

I am blessed not only with Menstrual Migraines but also, aura migraines, where you see pretty colors around things before getting a migraine and migraines that take away my ability to speak, write or at times understand English… I could speak Japanese though! I also had one migraine that made colors change. Blues and greens and oranges were the primary colors I saw.

 

All of this being said, I do my best when I get these lovely pains to push past my own problems and ensure that my family knows that I am okay. That I love them. It wasn’t healthy. I got a lecture from my 6 year old.

“Mom, if you are sick you should take some belly breaths and lay down. Drink your water and rest. Your body needs rest to make you better so your good germs and cells can fight and repair whatever is broken.” As his father shushes him from my side. I love this kid. He is wise beyond his years. So I guess what I am saying is, I don’t have an insightful hope raising piece this week… I am resting with lots of water and belly breaths and letting my body fix my migraines.